Author Christy Angelette

Life has been like a seesaw lately and so are my emotions. I was triggered into a relapse engaging in unsafe relational waters. The subtle signs of abuse overpowered my mind.  I broke down multiple times.  The monster who carries rage came out to defend me, the hurt little girl cried and hides inside. A mental-spiritual battle was taking place, I’ve gained strength through my faith. Suicidal thoughts crept in during the downward spiral.  It’s the thoughts of Jesus on that cross and his last moments in the garden of Gethsemane that uplifted me out of this pit of darkness. 

The responses of family and so-called friends was the hardest pill to swallow.  All I needed was compassion, to be heard.  Instead, I was treated like a psychotic maniac. “admit yourself”, is what they said, No one wanted to listen to the cause of my distress, they just got busy cleaning up, like I was the mess. The stigma and ignorance of mental illness by others still stings, but there is always a ram in the bush. That one person who God speaks to you through, who listens and says all the right things. God’s grace manifested in the flesh. This moment reminded me once again, I wasn’t alone. The healing and recovery could begin again. Unless we are a danger to ourselves, or others there is no reason outpatient treatment can not be effective. I have trauma associated with inpatient treatment, during my stay I was mistreated instead of treated, jailed, and threatened. Throughout my childhood, I watched my mother go in and out of these facilities. It’s important to me, to do all that I can outside of those locked doors. Its unfortunate that loved ones often don’t understand what it’s liked being locked away and having your basic rights taken.

I did the work at home on my own, found a therapist, took the least harmful mood stabilizer. Journaled my thoughts, prayed a lot, listened to positive motivation, and read books about the mind. Dr. Caroline Leaf is a cognitive neuroscientist who has studied the brain, helped her child recover from trauma, and wrote many books on how to reprogram toxic thinking, recover from trauma and change your mindset without all the pharmaceutical drugs. I’m currently listening to the audible book, “cleaning up your mental mess.” It has given me much insight and proved I’m on the right path of healing, despite what others think. I had a setback and throughout our lifetime most of us will, regardless of how we live. Mental health affects us all. Those of us with a diagnosis and trauma are affected deeper, it requires more work on our parts to stay healthy and sane. I encourage you as a reader to not give up, stay the course, to know the path to healing is not found at the bottom of a pill bottle, You don’t have to be locked away to get help, some family and friends will never understand your journey because they have not walked in your shoes. There are people out there pointing fingers, dismissing you, and not facing their mental health challenges and issues. Spiritual warfare is real, God is real, and the battle for many of us is our within our mind.